"Last December, my friend forced me to have an abortion. He’s an Azerbaijani, and he threatened to harm my family. I don’t have a father or brothers, and my sister has small children. And I was afraid that something like what happened to that girl who was doused with acid by a Caucasian man might happen to them.
I had no children before that. And there have always been problems with menstruation (amenorrhea, and everything related to it). Even though it’s been so long, I still feel really bad. I’m sorry for what I did and I can’t forget. And I think I did the wrong thing, thinking about my sister and her children. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. And I wish myself dead so that I can meet my child there.
When she lets go, sometimes it seems to me that I want to meet a normal person and live like everyone else, start a family, but when men come up to me to get to know each other, they all seem like freaks, I push them away, and I’m probably even glad that nothing worked out. And today I realized that I’m even afraid to make eye contact with an unfamiliar young man and I can’t calmly "respond" to his gaze. And I work in a women’s team, among retired women, so you know. I regret that when I had normal guys, I didn’t appreciate them. But what should I do, because life goes on and I don’t want to be alone! And most of all, I want to bring back that day."
What you’ve been through is a serious life challenge and trauma for you. Fear for your family made you do something that you now regret so much. Of course, it’s impossible to go back to that day. A psychologist can help you cope with unreacted emotions.
Accepting the situation as it has already turned out, realizing that the past can no longer be corrected, makes it a little easier to breathe. After all, the reaction of such a cruel person would be completely unpredictable, and it is possible, judging by the threats, that the losses could be much greater than they are now.
A person lives and sometimes makes mistakes in this life, that’s what life is for. So, to make the situation worse, you can ask: ”Why did I meet this person on the way?” There are many more questions that can be difficult to answer. Yes, you did that at that moment because your family’s life was more important to you than your own interests, and you sacrificed a lot for them. Yes, they are alive, and you are alive, because it is not known how events would have developed further. But those fears are over. There’s still a whole life ahead. You have become wiser, gained a new vision of this life, and there has been a reassessment of values. You are now more confident about what you want and what you don’t want.
After all, life goes on and you don’t want to be alone anymore. Establish contacts gradually. After all, it is not necessary to establish a close relationship right away. Don’t dwell on your worries: go to parties, to the theater, to exhibitions.
In your free time, try to do pleasant things for yourself, keep an eye on your appearance and health.
Try to remember something good.
Always believe that you will still be happy and have a child.
You are free now in your choice and you have a new love ahead of you.
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